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Dear Husband, I Know You Are Not Ravan But Do I Want You To Be Maryada Purushottam Either?

It was a weekend evening, we were savoring the spring onion pakoras and chai.

Made by my darling husband. I don’t remember how the discussion started but where it led us is the core of this blog. We started talking about mythology- the vedas and shlokas. The discussion about Ramayana became central. The ‘Mool Ramayana’ is a massive work consisting of about 100 crore shlokas, while the one that is more popular version is ‘Valmiki Ramayana’ that consist of 24000 slokas only. So, we are devoured of almost millionth of original transcript hence missing many crucial details. Ganesh Gaitonde in ‘Sacred Games’ says that our generation knows only Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana. The concise one. So, we know only what’s shown, still most of the times we become judgmental about the central characters. Don’t we?

While my husband is a gentleman and I wouldn’t want him to be ‘Ravan’- in Ram Leela or real life, but what about him being a Maryada Purshottam? Do I really want him to be one?

Rama was a man of valour, compassion, wisdom and sacrifice. While we can’t deny his virtues, disowning his wife while she was pregnant wasn’t worth his stature. How cool was it to handout to Sitaji who accompanied Rama on his exile? Don’t you think Rama should have given the kingdom to any one of his brothers and left with Sita.

She gave ‘Agnipariksha’ that itself was enough of insult to a woman who fought the demon and guarded her sanctity in adverse situation, more to it she was declared sacred by Lord Brahmadev himself. So even as a king, had the opinion of a Dhobi and ‘Bramhadev’ had really mattered?

Fast forward, on The 7th night from his son was born, Prince Siddharthh left his sleeping wife and infant. We know him as Bhagwan Gautam Budhha. Buddha left his home at night for enlightenment, without letting sleeping Yashodhara know about him. Why is every other thing being more important than taking the opinion of wife into consideration, Siddharth and Yasodhara were married for 16 years, so they had no bond? He didn’t trust her that if he discusses his plans she wouldn’t support him? Or was growing responsibility with a child coming in was a feeling of bondage, was taking care of the new born was only the wife’s responsibility.

Even when we come to modern times may it be Gandhi, Mandela or any KarmaPurush why they don’t realize their purpose of life before getting married, is the wife just shadow of the mahatma?

Satyug , Dwapar or Kalyug. Whatever times, one thing stand the test.In line of their higher purpose, men have deprioritized their marriages.

A person who is driven by a larger goal in life, is not generally bound by ‘Grihastha Jeevan’ or the responsibilities and liabilities that come along with that. Only living in the same house with wife and kids isn’t what we are talking about. But who decides what is more important, who decides whether the Goal or Ambition a person has decided for themselves is real or fake. I know its confusing, let me put this in the current scenario of our life.

The times are changing and we see more and more Hands on father or ‘ Penguin Dad’s’, who don’t hesitate to help their partners from feeding kids, changing diapers to helping in deciding menu for the evening get together. In the same times we also have men who have a different image of their responsibilities in their mind, created by the long running societal rules and self image.

A man doing a job getting paid, declares himself tired and stressed once he’s back home and rarely contributes to wife in any household work because he has given a vito to himself that his ‘karma’ is to put bread on the table and that’s it! he is (not) responsible for anything else. Right from getting the groceries to little one’s vaccinations is all the wife’s job. Is it only the lady’s responsibility to make the four walls home, to take care of all the celebrations, relatives or even the day to day work?

Someone has a dream about ‘being employee of the year’ at work or being the ‘highest revenue generator’ in his team, these are not wrong ambitions but how much are you trading for it on a personal front is the key to balance it. I have seen people getting back home, having tea and moving out of houses for RWA meetings, working on society welfare etc. these are larger goals and we need people for this too however ‘Prioritizing’ is important. Your sons slipping grades or fathers slipping health will need your time and attention rather than the colony welfare.

We see women who have considered it all and all there responsibility to keep the engine of home running without pointing out the problems to their partners, that’s their decision about their ‘Karma’, supporting husband in getting successful on professional front is a real boost these women can give but what about the aperture its creating in the family and in the relationships.

So its up to every person, man and women both. It’s a man’s call that to become Mahatma, how many sacrifices he wants his wife to make.

And its upto the wife how long she chooses not to voice herself.

Only if Sita, Urmila, Yasodhara or Kasturba had a different story to tell our daughters. Sacrifice is a virtue of being a woman, walking an extra mile with your life partner is a blessing only if you both are walking together and not left alone. I don’t want my husband to be a ‘Maryada Purshottam’ and do things that just he thinks are right, rather I would want to equal partner in his dreams. I don’t love him for the perfections he has but also for the imperfections. What’s your story?

This Post Has 29 Comments

  1. Alpana Deo

    I completely agree Ujjwal. Sometimes it makes me wonder why it is a big deal if husbands help in household chores or take care of kids. If they are the dads then why it is seen with respect and for a mom, it is said to her trait of loving and nurturing others.
    Be it Mahabharata, Ramayan and other tales, women had given tests. Did anyone asked Draupadi if she wanted to marry Not just Arjun but his brothers too?

  2. Surbhi prapanna

    The title of your post was so interesting and I felt an immediate sense of curiosity after reading it. And your post was thought provoking and good enough to initiate a discussion. your comparison was really interesting to me and I agree that now with changing time things are changing. And changing for better. Nowadays males in our society understand the importance of helping their partners. Household and kids responsibilities are not merely a subject of woman’s responsibility and indeed this change is completely welcoming. Great write up.

  3. Sandy N Vyjay

    Your use of the Ramayana analogy with current issues is interesting. Gender equality is something that is desired and parents need to educate their children by setting an example from early on.

    1. Smalltownie

      Woah! The title is so damn interesting and so is the blog 😍
      Kept me hooked throughout and now is making me think 🤔

  4. Sundeep

    Life is all about balance. Rarely have I found people or situations that are purely white or purely black. For me most of the people in life are somewhere in the grey palette…a little bit of white and a little bit of black.

  5. Hansa Kajaria

    Lovely blog … thankfully I’ve a partner who has voiced for me when needed and also helps in the house chores equally…. n I think its tme new gen men to accept that both genders r equally imp in the society and so is evry job.

  6. Ishieta

    Well written article and you have shared your thoughts very well I agree with you the portrayal is quite one-sided and to a large extent and fair I do wish we had stronger stories to share with the daughters

    1. Seema Bardeskar

      Title is so interesting and so true. It is all about the balance in any sort of things. Cannot be driven too much or too less by anything.

  7. Shagufta

    Exactly how I feel. Such a commendable post. I am really glad that our husbands are not Lord Rama, Buddha or mahatma… Love him what he is… A caring man who seeks my point of view even when I am not very versed with the topic. 🙂

  8. Raks

    I feel everyone of us have a bit of Ravan and a bit of Rama in us. It is a balance that we try and the intelligence comes in knowing when to curb the characteristics of Ravan. It’s an interesting take you have on comparing the Ramayana with the current situations. Nice read for sure.

  9. Samidha Mathur

    Loved your post. It is so true that why these men didn’t realise their main purpose of life before getting married….!! Bharat Singh was better, he didn’t marry. In our so-called patriarchal society, women are the object to sacrifice in all sorts. I am a pure feminist, but I feel this unwanted truth.

  10. Rahul Prabhakar

    A husband has to be himself i.e. real in every sense of the word. With the pressures of life these days, a husband’s role in not just confined to be the breadwinner of the family but he needs to wear several hats at once. It is not an easy thing to do!

  11. Samidha Mathur

    Hey Ujjwal, you’ve penned these thoughts so correctly. I personally agree that women have always been an object to sacrifice. Regardless of yugas, we have sacrificed our happiness, our dedication, our ambition, our everything, still, this is not considered good in the eyes of ‘patriarchal’ society.

    1. Pallavi Pandey

      I love reading and discussing topics like this ,

      I strongly agree that we women have been sacrificing our happiness till today because all men are not raised the way they should.

  12. Pratibha

    Great writeup,you have stated such relevant things in this blog

  13. Pratibha

    Totally agree with you.. in the name of these mythological aspects, I still do see majority of families where there is no mutual respect for the kind of work that women has to do especially those chores.. Gender equality is a must and atleast I hope the younger generation will change it!

  14. Mayura Amarkant

    Loved your blog post! While growing up, I used to question the role of women in mythology and my elders would ask me to remain silent. Over the years, these questions kept playing on my mind, with no proper answers. I am so happy to read your views, Ujjwal – it leaves space for so many views to pour in. Great post! Keep writing!

  15. Amrit Kaur

    This is an eye opening blog as there should be equal responsibility between men and women to handle household chores. Men should themselves contribute in helping

  16. Archana

    Well said Ujjwal can’t agree more on this imbalance thoughts on woman and man of our society. You have pointed almost my all queries which I used to ask my mom on Shri Ram or Siddharth. Moreover I must say table has turned now in many ways neither men are not that type nor women are going to take any wrongs on herself so easily, both’s rationality are getting equal importance.

  17. Feelingfashioninside

    Honestly I even think the same way, these Ramayan and Mahabharat these all are okay as a story only we shouldn’t implement anything in real life.

  18. Snigdha

    I completely can’t understand why the society has always problem if the husband is doing household chores. I believe in equal rights . E and husband do all our household chores and managing kids together.

  19. Ruchi Verma

    This is a big topic of discussion, even I have so many time discussed why after Luv kush was born she still needs to give the test to justify that they are Sri Ram son, but there is one fact that it was well planned by Vishnuji so that Sitaji can go back to Vaikuntha Dham and so on with Laxman and later Ramji. But coming to today’s scenario even my hubby is doing all household chores and we believe in raising the same to our son so that there should be a change in society !!

  20. Cindy Dsilva

    I’m not sure what story you are writing about but yes, in a marriage we have to accept all imperfections too because we are not perfect either. It takes time but we have to get around it. Some women control their husbands’ timings and all. I find that just weird.

  21. MeenalSonal Mathur

    With changing times we can expect more Penguin Dads in the society. The societal pressure to behave in a certain manner is a lot on men and they crush their tasks under that. I think the parenting needs to be corrected then rest will fall in its place.

  22. Deepika

    Yeah! Correct… Here I confess my husband is not that kind of person who loves to do household chores because had brought up in the same way but Isam trying to set an example by my son.

  23. Jhilmil Bhansali

    Brilliant post Ujjwal! Just like every other thing, balance is very important here. And I’m glad that millennial men are striking that balance well.

  24. Varsh

    Ujjwal, I’ve had similar conversations with my husband and totally loves your post. We pray to Ramji for his virtues but the way he abandoned Sitaji never say right with me. Why is a woman’s role always overshadowed by the men in her life? It’s high time women stop accepting being the sacrificial lambs we’re made to be.

    1. Varsh


      Never sat right*

  25. Papri Ganguly

    Linking mythology with our daily lives is took my words away. I’m so spellbound with every situation you have shared here. You’re truly blessed to have a husband like him.

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