Don’t be judgmental or jump to conclusion just by reading the title, because if you do so you won’t be able to keep an open mind to read and understand what a person goes through before taking such a decision, I never understood it earlier. Whenever I heard of someone known or unknown taking such step, I would outright give all weightage to their negativity and weak will to fight, but as the wise people say, you don’t understand the actions of a person unless you stand in their shoes. So here I am standing in the shoes of a person, who attempted a suicide and I am still not sure whether it was good luck or bad that I got save, why I think so will come ahead. So, I should be ashamed of what I did, rather than that I am writing it for the world to know and laugh on me? Stupid me, right? No, the entire attempt is for you, to make you understand what these people go through to take such a step, so that next time you think before you pass a judgment. My bit of giving back to society I would say.

So, for a person like me who is so logical, balanced and mature or I should say this is how people see me, I am one who doesn’t even have mood swings and temper fluctuations even during my menstrual cycle, how can I take such a step. So, let me tell you this, such things don’t happen at snap of a mood. It takes months, the feeling of helplessness grows on you. It’s a result of pilled up emotions, result of seeing life anyways going out of hands. When a person feels, there is no other way to stop the pain or get over the pain is when they do this. Before a big attempt smaller attempts like sleeping pills and all might also take place. Every person in best of their capabilities tries to handle and solve problems at hand, rationally. Some even with professional help, but it doesn’t work out always. And let me warn you, it is not that a person who has attempted it once won’t do it again, if the pain and stress come back, its easier for them to reach the fence this time. No amount of nicotine, caffeine or alcohol can help you get out of stress or depression, mediation might help but from where would the motivation to sit and mediate will come? Prolonged sadness, a will of not doing anything is part of depression. There is so much to do, but what you do is what’s most important and then dig yourself on the bed and sleep, sleep and sleep its not laziness, its just letting the day finish with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

So, kids who fear of exam results, brides who don’t know what’s the solution to get their parents out of dowry stress, lovers who don’t see life beyond their partners, people who are not ready to accept the result or future that they see take these extreme steps, because going to an authority or a third person is not always an option, or at least they don’t think so. Discussing their problems with others would change many things, the only way they can improve the situation is finding a place in their own mind and home where they can feel and understand their own emotions. Anyone else cannot help.

What happens at that moment?

No hope, zero self-worth, hysteria. The person might be laughing loudly and ridiculing self while slashing nerves with a knife and crying at the very same moment. It’s not feeling rather it’s madness, as in the person might really feel he is going mad to be laughing in pain, the desperation increases with every attempt, still the mind doesn’t loose all sanity they know which mode to leaving body would be better for them. The person might not want to be seen hung to a ceiling fan with eyes and tongue popping out by their kids or might not want to jump out of balcony and become a gossip point for everyone in society. The entire life scrolls in front of eyes mostly happy memories I guess that’s also the minds trick to show the person how beautiful the life is. Apologizing to parents, kids, spouse also happens, and with every moment passing by the intensity of the knife on the skin gets harder, the desperation increases till they are interrupted by someone who really mean a lot to them, after all death is still in Gods hands.

Why I warned you in the beginning about reattempt that can happen, because with the attempt failed the person loses self-respect and respect of loved ones as everyone starts pitying them, if kids are involved, children don’t listen anymore, they don’t think you as a guardian rather just as a weak link, this worsens the situation and the person keeps on thinking of a better performance next time, the steps can be more dangerous because the person cannot lose the next attempt. Can therapy help? NO, the person has to help themselves, meditation, talking loudly to self and trying to find solution can help. Accepting the situation, and deciding to move ahead and face it can also take them out, bravery is important. The lesser publicity happens the better. These are my views your will surely be different, because we are different.

These kinds of acts are beyond religion, caste, creed and socio-financial status. In the world every year more than eight lakh people commit suicide for various reasons. Even the government has shown empathy towards suicide survivors, by decriminalizing the law some empathy is expected from society as well. I haven’t found a way to stay away from these thoughts, if you have any let me know. Will see if it helps, in the meanwhile stop making others life tough, let everyone live.

P.S: I wanted to write on this topic to make people aware and empathize with survivors rather than pointing fingers and humiliate. This is a fiction, I wrote it in first person to feel the pain 🙂